Today’s #Trust30 Challenge prompt is authored by Corbett Barr:

There will be an agreement in whatever variety of actions, so they be each honest and natural in their hour. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

What would you say to the person you were five years ago? What will you say to the person you’ll be in five years?

In June 2006, I was a 36-year-old mom to a 20-month-old toddler, 3 months pregnant with my second child. And I was not pleased: this pregnancy was kind of an accident.

I had stopped nursing my toddler in January, and was looking forward to owning my own body for awhile. I was working out, getting to eat and drink things that had been off-limits for the baby, and experiencing the freedom again of not having to be in a certain place by a certain time in order to nourish my little one. I viewed everything about motherhood as a privilege, and was willing to pay the prices. I was also ready to relinquish some things in order to have others.

One night, one party, one drink too many (Oh, I had missed margaritas!), one slip of the mind. Contraception? Where am I in my cycle? Oh, I’m sure I’m fine. 17 days later, I showed the pregnancy test stick to my husband of 17 years: two pink lines. We laughed then I cried. I felt robbed, I felt guilty. I felt guilt for our daughter, that she’d have to share us so soon. I felt guilt for our baby-to-be, that my first thoughts about this baby were not wrapped in the overwhelming joy and ecstasy I had with my first. I felt robbed of my body, that I’d soon be on the emotional and hormonal roller-coaster of the first trimester, that I’d be exhausted, huge, and feeling like a burden to myself again in the second and third trimesters. It was simply too soon!

Ironically, that pregnancy was actually easier than the first time. I’d done it before, so the mystery and uncertainty were much less disconcerting. I had a toddler to lavish with time and attention, so my own needs occurred as less important, in a good way. I was able to share this pregnancy with my daughter, so her infectious wonder and amazement allowed me to experience the pregnancy through her eyes too. And my youngest sister was pregnant at the same time, a trimester ahead of me. The anticipation and excitement were very palpable for our entire family, with everyone so happy these cousins would be close in age.

To my self of five years ago, I say: Enjoy the whole experience. Quit making yourself or something about this pregnancy ‘wrong’ (it’s too soon, the guilt). You’ve been a mother before, but you haven’t been *this* baby’s mother. Revel in every moment, this will probably be the last time you’re pregnant. And treat every day as the first time you’ve done this, because it really is.

As to my self of five years from now, I give my 46-year-old me with kids starting their tweens (10 & 12) basically the same advice: Enjoy the whole experience. Quit making something about yourself or the kids ‘wrong’, as in “there should be some other way where it would be easier, better, or different”. You’ve been a mother, but not as who you are and your children are, right now. Revel in every moment, good and bad, the memories will keep you company when they are grown and gone. And treat every day as the first time you’ve seen them, magic happens when you do.

Okay, enough of the past and future, time to go create the next moment, with these two vibrant, brilliant, loving daughters of mine!

(I haven’t blogged for several days, even though my commitment for the #Trust30 Challenge was to participate every day. I loved the prompts from the weekend, they caused many thoughts to go swirling in my mind, with little time to write them down. I commit to working those prompts into future posts.)

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